How to deal with difficult members on here

I have only been here in a couple of years, but it's my overall impression is that there is less cruelty and unpleasant commentary than on several other sites I have been part of. Most of what I read is civilized.


Edited by The Anders - December 09 2020 at 16:38

The Anders wrote: I have only been here in a couple of years, but it's my overall impression is that there is less cruelty and unpleasant commentary than on several other sites I have been part of. Most of what I read is civilized.

Logan wrote: It depends on you and the particular situation. ...

moshkito wrote: Logan wrote: It depends on you and the particular situation. ... Hi, My bigger concern is when an "Admin" is involved and he also abuses the privilege and the situation, and when the post is "reported" he ends up seeing it and deletes the answers ... or equivalent. While recently things have been, for me anyway, very civil and polite, in the past one of the tough issues is the lack of communication with the "Admin" and a decision made on ... nothing ... that really mattered and completely ignored the thread and its continuation, when it was obvious that the combat had started earlier ... and not by the person that ends up punished! I do not wish to demean the position any at all ... it is a fair and valid position ... but it is my thought that some of the folks that are "there" are not good candidates for the position, specially considering how they continually post and vote for the same bands and songs, and more often than not spend their time "showing" how the person is "wrong" ... when (very specifically) history is not about right or wrong ... history was what it was and many of us saw different things. Thus, the position would require a better understanding of most threads and posts, and a position that appreciates all of the posts, even if they are not about my "favorite" ... I'm not a ______ fan, but while I joke about it, I do not exactly put it down, since his history in music is not something to frown on ... we may think that it is this or that ... so what ... was Ozzie any different ... ohh yes, a cape, make up and a bat! Give it a break!

Could you please give me specifics so I know exactly which situations and people you are referring to? If not about me specifically, then I would rather a PM, but I don't like insinuations or to see defamation of character. I don't want to make the wrong inferences and avoid insinuation. If you have a problem with any of the admin, consider PMing any of the admin, there are only three currently active (me, Keishiro and Tapfret) -- although please try to be succinct and direct with specific examples and links cause otherwise it can get confusing.... We often deal with a lot of stuff. so it helps to write formally in such situations (instead of being vague). It's best for us not to infer what the complaints are in these situations or risk over-generalising. We will try to give complaints and advice serious consideration. I deal with a lot of issues at PA via PM and then we can address specifics. We are volunteers and we are fallible, but having a team helps to get more perspectives. I know I've made mistakes,been heavy-handed at times and too lax at others and drawn the wrong conclusions, and have apologised for such things in the past. We all have our off days, some more than others. Humility, kindness, good-listening and patience is something that we all need to practice now and then (I mean people generally).

If you are referring to something I did, I won't be offended if you state that directly and tell me exactly what it was (and you may do so publicly, best to call me out at the time so I know the specific situation you are referring to and I can act ASAP without racking my brains and having to research).

We do hide posts commonly that break forum guidelines (go against the forum rules) and posts related to those. Of course we don't read every post so a lot may get through that may have been better hidden per the way that the forums have been moderated. Some of it is borderline and open to interpretation. Like, I might take something as an innocuous joke whereas another might take it as a serious insult (misinterpretation of intent can be easy).

PMing admin about any issues that come up can be a good approach, and there is something to be said for not airing one's dirty laundry in public or making insinuations which might be misconstrued.

By the way, I don't get the reports through the report post function so if trying to contact me the best way is via PM (that said, I don't log-in every day). When I have had issues with members I have often found that PMing them can help. Sometimes it does come down to a misunderstanding, and in some cases people really are just plain rude or irrational and there is no trying to communicate with them. Sometimes warnings are in order, and sometimes suspension if behavior continues and warnings if advice is unheeded.

Edited by Logan - December 30 2020 at 10:29

I often think a lot of the misunderstandings are down to language. There are several times when I’ve seen someone react to someone else because they thought someone was being rude, when I think it was more because English was not the native language of either the original poster, and/or the one who reacted.

^^ Thanks Pedro, I love that we both share a love of film, and I really do get a lot out of what you write. Some people seem to have very short attention spans and some just don't connect the dots like others do and make the same associations.

^^ I seem to agree with you Nick on most everything you post (it wont work reversely cause I post a lot of crap that I don't even agree with and will see if some of it sticks) -- I tried to respond to one of your posts yesterday, spent over an hour writing it and then felt it wasn't good enough so I didn't post it. With three more hours I could have edited it into something cohesive and of value. Some writers say, don't worry about the first draft, nobody reads it, it comes together better on subsequent ones, but when posting most of us are reading people's first drafts (and only draft except if one is here
a long time then one tends to repeat oneself again and again, not in quite the same words, but the song remains the same).

Language is surely an issue, and cultural differences, I think to an extent. And experiences. I might be referencing something in my post that another does not get. I use a lot of plays-on-words on my good days, and I don't usually point them out, and another might well miss the humorous intent. I also come from a place where it is common to rib each other. It's playful rather than mean-spirited. We make fun of ourselves and our friends at times. A good friend will understand that and play along.

And it comes down to individual personality, if one is distracted, if one is stressed, and if people aren't making the same associations. I've had many native English speakers totally misunderstand my intent. Many with English as a second language here I have found to be the most grokful (I love Stranger in a Strange Land) and nuanced of thinkers. It's the nuance, as well as plays on words, that can be hard for those not fluent in the language. Sometimes for all it's just plain careless reading, or not thinking it through before writing it down. Often that which one thinks is obvious and implied is totally missed, and instead it is thought that one is "saying" (writing more properly) something very different with very different intent. And sometimes people really are very loose with what they think others are saying and come to strange conclusions and very odd inferences (just miss the point completely).

We're not mind-readers, and we all can miss the other's point and intent. One should be careful with assumptions and if in doubt, maybe read it through a few times and try to think about it from different angles (then see which approach makes the most sense). That can be fun as it becomes like an intellectual game.

I like it when we can all be there for each other to try to clear up any potential misconceptions (PMs are for one-on-one conversations at the forum, the rest acts as group discussion where anyone can join in on a conversation if they have something relevant to say), to offer different interpretations and perspectives.

My thing commonly is that if what the other writes generally seems totally illogical or obviously wrong, I'm probably just not being sensible enough when it comes to figuring out what they that person is trying to convey (maybe not making the right associations) so I won't quickly assume that what they are writing comes from a fault in their thinking or a misinterpretation. So try to put in the strongest form possible that makes the most sense.

Often people miss out on the context, and that is often because they haven't read carefully enough through that post or by reading through a thread to see how it links to what others have been saying.

As my wife often tells me, think it through first before you speak, then consider not speaking at all. ;)

I think the answer to having genuinely good conversation (dialectic) is having more and more conversation, and going deeper. With patience and a little effort at trying to understand rather than quickly drawing assumptions and shooting from the hip, that can really help.

We have had members who were very thoughtless and obviously cared not about offending others through or being negative about others. Often offence is taken when none is intended, and too often people have been just plain surly and sarcastic, and seem to lack any empathy. Cultivating a sense of empathy and showing compassion is often a very important thing for me, and showing that we are actively interested and trying to be engaged with others. You often can tell when people are not really listening or paying attention or taking the time to read through a topic before responding. This can lead to a lot of misunderstandings. Misunderstandings can lead to a lot of offence. I think we all want to feel like we're understood, like people are getting us, and when people feel that they are not being understood, they might lash out in anger due to the frustration or evoke the unholy face palm (worse than any Alien face hugger).

We have to recognise that we all have different psyches and means of expression, lived experiences, and sometimes people are going through really hard times and that is reflected in the posts. I think one should try to be charitable in interpretation, and to steelman each other's ideas as much as possible rather than strawman when debating serious issues (that leads to stronger arguments and seems a better way to seek truth to me).

One does need a thick-skin, and even genuine insults can have their place.

^ That works. In at least once case I think that was someone's genuine strategy.

By the way, for me there used to be nothing more fun than not only watching but participating in flame wars, but for me it was all in fun. Others took it much more seriously.

Sorry, this is very long winded and all over the place and definitely could do with serval more drafts. And I actually don't expect people to read through when I ramble. I'm not a sadist. For some with English as a second language, even though I keep my word choice quite simple, it would be a nightmare to try to read and understand (I can be very incoherent when not formally writing).

Edited by Logan - December 30 2020 at 11:53

There are difficult members in virtually every forum; deal with it (rather/more than dealing with them).

Strung up, tarred and feathered then pummeled to death using Twinkies........

Hugues, I've met you and hereby proclaim you as an honorary boomer with the right to take offense when others minimize and dismiss us by just referring to us as members of a maligned group which somehow explains away all our opinions and actions in their simplistic arguments.  We must reclaim that word!

Edited by kenethlevine - December 30 2020 at 18:05

dougmcauliffe wrote: siLLy puPPy wrote: My advice is call them every offensive name you can conjure up, get banned from the site and then you won't have to worry about it any longer! Problem solved (in case it's not obvious, i'm totally kidding of course!) Just drop the word "boomer," it'll instantly start a flame war