Fresh Stoner Joke

"Mick Jagger is acosted by an autograph hound on his was to the stage."

"Whazzup!"

Or

Which one is Gene Simmon's cat?

Mariah Carey was seen leaving the tent of a mysterious Velvet Clown shortly after her mothers day concert.

My friends brother does drugs!

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They left the plunger in the toilet.

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came in and informed the dad that his son had been born without torso, arms or legs – the son was nothing more than a head. The dad grew to love his son, and he raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out from under the boy’s head!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into whoops of joy.

The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, “Take another drink!”
The bartender still shook his head in dismay… Then - Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, “Take another drink!”. The bartender ignored the whole affair.
By that time, the boy was getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out!
The bar was in chaos. The father thanked God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left… then to the right… and through the front door and onto the street, where a car ran into him and killed him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned in grief. The bartender cleaned his glasses and whistled an old Irish tune. The father looked at the bartender in disbelief and asked, “How can you be so cold and callous?”
The bartender said, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

A concerned man walks into a church and confronts the parish priest. "Father, the bell does not ring, what's wrong?" The priest explained that the electronic clapper was broken, therefore, no ring. The man told the priest that he could help if he could look at the device.

The priest walked the man up flight upon flight of stairs to the bell tower. The priest opens the belfry door and the man begins to walk inside, trips over the threshold and slams face first into the giant bell. The bell rings loudly as it swings back and then forward slamming the man again in the face. The man reels backwards, off balance and stumbling over the rail, falls 50 feet and splats onto the concrete below.

The priest runs down the flights of stairs on unto the street where a crowd has begun to gather around the fallen man's body. The horrified parishioners gasp and look to the priest for guidance. "Who was the man?" one person asked.

 "I don't know," replied the priest, "but his face sure rings a bell." 

OK. This is probably the cleanest joke I know,.

 An old lady walks into her doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. I have bags under my eyes where there never were any and I have moles on my face that weren't there before. What's wrong?"

 The doctor examines the lady and sits her down. "Have you had any plastic surgery lately?" he enquires.

 "As a matter of fact I have," she answers.

 "That explains it. those are not bags under your eyes, those are your boobs. And the moles are your nipples."

 "Ohhhhhhhhh," replies the old lady. "That explains the beard."