Progarchives Member Typology

*This is a fictional list, any likeness to members, old or new is unintentional - oh, and please don't take offence*

26/7/2011: Holy sh*t, this thread is almost a year old. Where did my life go?
 


1. "The One Post Wonder" (Postus Solitarius)

This member lurks for a few weeks on the forums to get a lay of the land, he sizes up his opponents and forms his opinions carefully. He signs up, usually with a stereotypical username, and then posts his 20,000 word thesis on why Robert Fripp is a better guitarist than both Howe and Zappa. He promptly leaves the forum, never to return.

2. "The Lurker" (Forumis Lurkus)

The Lurker likes lurking, that should seem obvious. Which explains why he has only 7 posts, but has been a member of the forum for nearly 5 years. They often frequent the 'Females and Prog' type threads, posting trollish comments sporadically. The Lurker may eventually evolve into a fully grown troll, or leave the forum for long periods of time, observing happenings from several fake profiles to avoid moderator detection.

3. "The Troll" (Simplisticus Trolloid)

The Troll likes to cause a commotion wherever and whenever they post. Nothing is taboo for the troll, and he especially loves Religion threads, or indeed any other thread that lambasts the 'failings' of a famous progressive group. The Troll is most likely to be a 17 year old male, or Punk fan who lives at home with his parents. The Troll would like everyone to think he's being smart and clever, and that his trolling is subtle - yet his thread titles like "Genesis < Katy Perry" leave little to the imagination.

4. "The Older Prog Fan" (Progis Ancientis)

Usually aged well into his latter years, this member grew up with prog, and probably knows more about it than anyone else, that is, if he could remember through the drug fueled days of the 60s and 70s. He can barely use text editor, and despite his obvious intellect, has little or no grasp of conventional grammar, or internet conventions. He is usually unaware that any prog exists beyond the typical symphonic artists, yet he is also a lovable forum character.

5. "The Spammer" (Forumis Postallotus)

With a penchant for posting, this character loves to spend all hours of the day and night keeping threads alive in the forum. When not bumping 27 month old threads, the Spammer fills the Just For Fun and General Discussion threads with semi-witty comments and YouTube videos that no-one will read or watch. He/she will amass a huge number of meaningless posts in a short time, much to the dismay of the mods, who have to clean up after them.

6. "The Shredder" (Shreddis Roomite)

The Shredder is an elusive creature. Forged in the depths of the Just For Fun section, the Shredder inhabits the 'Shred Room' a general purpose chat room that contains a literal plethora of characters. Popular posting topics for Shredders include; Magma, Univers Zero, Magma, Chamber Rock, Magma, Thread-jacking, Boredom and Magma. The Shredder also has a penchant for quote trains. Unfortunately, little else is known about them, their secrets locked inside 500 page long threads.

7. "The Fundamentalist" (Postis Seriousis)

The Fundamentalist is not here to talk about music. They are here to argue among many things that their opinion on Religion, Politics, Ethics and all other 'serious' business is correct beyond all doubt. The Fundamentalist is naturally attracted to other like-minded Fundamentalists, often forming small cells which attack rival groups. The results of these attacks usually include permabans, facepalms and laughs for outside observers.

8. "The Joker" (Forumis Funnyite)

The Joker is the light-hearted forum member. What he may lack in prog knowledge, he makes up wise-cracks, one-liners and general forum humour. The Joker is the best anti-troll weapon known on PA (besides the mod's 'anti-troll spray'), and can be seen roaming most sections of the forum at any given time making slightly inappropriate jokes about Chapman sticks and bald men.

9. "The Angry One" (Postis Iratis)

Like The Fundamentalist, the Angry One just loves to hate things. There is nothing that this member can't feel hate towards, and rarely is this member seen praising anything. Popular directions of hate include Porcupine Tree, Dream Theater and ELP.  While the Angry One can be mistaken for a troll by an inexperienced eye, most older members know them well, and that they are more than likely to be benign.

10. "The Fanboy" (Fanis Extremus)

One of the most feared members of the community. The Fanboy revels in the glorification of his one true love (usually Dream Theater) and will stop at nothing to exclaim their perfection. A Fanboy is oblivious to the scorn other members throw at them, and even after being shown the error of their ways, Fanboys will often engage in arguments with happy trolls or disillusioned members with little better to do.

11. "The Disillusioned One" (Forumis Apatheticus)

This is one of the rarer members, someone who for some reason has become extremely apathetic towards most aspects of the forum. Unlike the 'Angry One', the Disillusioned member usually has no desire to argue with anyone, and will not protect his or her beliefs against attack. This member is most likely to have worked in the music industry, or to have taken too many drugs during the height of their youth. They exist in a semi-catatonic state for this reason.

12. "The Female Prog Fan" (Progis Femalis)

Widely believed to be a myth, this elusive member can be found arguing in several threads that they actually do exist - much to the wonder of 15 year old boys throughout the forum. They grace threads with well crafted posts, and what they might lack in confrontational skills, they more than make up for with insight, intellect and a command of respect. Often defended by more senior members, Female Prog Fans are nearly invisible to the untrained eye.

13. "The Mod" (Forumis Banhammeris)

Much like the 'Lurker', the Moderator is a shadow-like figure that only surfaces from the Admin Zone to swing the almighty banhammer on some unfortunate troll. Much of what the Mod does is dull, mundane work, but they manage to keep the forums clean and relatively safe for the rest of the community. Just don't raise their temper, because have you ever seen a pissed off mod?

14. "The Collab" (Forumis Collabourus)

The Collaborator is the pack mule of the forum. They devote hours of their day to serving the needs of their respective genre team, receiving only the adoration of fellow collabs as a reward. When not responding to new band suggestions from a seasoned Spammer, they can be found listening to mountains of myspace samples, voting on arbitrary charts or lurking in the nightmarish depths of the Collaborator Zone.

15. "The Old Hand" (Forumis Veteranis)

Contrary to the name, the Old Hand refers to a member who has an exponentially absurd number of posts. A combination of an ex-Spammer and 'Shredder', the Old Hand has been posting in these parts since before most members even knew how to count. Although this does not necessarily mean they are old. Because of their vast forum experience, the Old Hand is wise beyond his post count, and prefers to let the more energetic members argue pointlessly among themselves.

16. "The Legend" (Postis Iconis)

The Legend is a rogue, an icon - a member whose reputation precedes them. This member will probably have several thousand posts more than is healthy, and is most likely to be an ex-collab who grew to know too much. The Legend can be also hybrid of the 'Old Hand' and the 'Joker', and will often make unexpected appearances in threads, sometimes derailing them, other times enhancing discussions with well-placed articulate comments. A true icon of the forum, the Legend is one member that cannot be ignored or hidden behind quote trains - no matter how large and inane they may be.

17. "The Over-Zealous Reviewer" (Reviewis Zealoticus)

This colourful creature has a habit of reviewing every album they own, have owned and indeed many albums they probably don't own. Fond of giving either 5 stars, or 1 star to any album that graces their headphones, the Zealous Reviewer will defend their crackpot opinions until the very end. It doesn't bother them that they gave St. Anger 4/5, or that they rated ITCOTCK 2/5, all that matters is that they tried to sound overly verbose and intellectual. Even though the rest of the community knows they rush through reviews to out-do other reviewing zealots to their 'essential' 1000th review.

18. "The I'm Really Drunk Guy" (Forumis Drunkardite)

Cheerfully inebriated, this member loves to inform others in the forum that he's off his face. It's not enough for this individual to enjoy a quiet drink with their prog, they must engage in binge drinking that would make a half Irish-Russian seaman blush. When not vomiting throughout the Prog Lounge, they can be found unconscious in the Just For Fun section - only after confessing that; "I f*cking love *hic* thiiis albumm".

19. "The Poll Nazi" (Pollus Forumis Nazite)

The Poll Nazi is addicted to one thing only. Prog Polls. The Poll Nazi must always ensure that their band, artist, or other muse (heh, Muse) will always win the current poll. They will try to convert others by fanboyisms, force others through polling intimidation and generally make a nuisance of themselves. Closely related to the Fanboy, the Poll Nazi is only a few steps away from being a pest, but they are often too funny and quaint to take seriously.

20. "The Incoherent One" (Postus Nonsensus)

Whereas the Older Prog Fan hasn't grasped the most basic of internet conventions yet, this character still hasn't grasped the basics of grammar, syntax, coherency and logic. Often fond of rambling in neo-psychedelic tomes, this individual will generally draw groans of pain from other forum members as they float from one thought pattern to another. Fond of interpretive arguments, Incoherent Ones often do nothing to enhance the debate, but sometimes provide unexpected laughs for confused onlookers.

21. "The Avant Fan" (Proggus Avant-gardis)

Not content with 16 minute organ solos and lyrics about space exploration, the Avant Fan is a rather an unusual creature. While the rest of the forum argues about the relative merits of rock composition and Jazz influences in metal, the Avant Fan can be found exploring the depths of their consciousness through the medium of improvised rubber band noise. To understand how such individuals enjoy the sounds of these 'styles' of Avant-garde 'music' one must first deconstruct all musical and artistic norms. And take a fair whack of drugs.

22. "The Tech Expert" (Forumus Techspertis)

This member knows what they talk about when it comes to all things technical and musical. Apart from being a perfectionist and trainspotter, the Tech Expert has a keen interest in helping newbies make informed decisions. Thus, they are one of the more amiable members of the forum. This however does not disguise the fact that their nerdy knowledge of said technology severely reduces their chances of having "normal" conversations with non-techies.

23. "The Poor Prog Fan" (Progus Skintist)

The Poor Prog fan is that member who always complains that he/she never has enough money to afford new albums or associated prog goods. Whether this is because they are impoverished Arts graduates, or lazy basement-dwellers is down to speculation. All everyone else knows it that they seriously need to find a job, or at least a better paid one. Those remastered double-CD/DVD packages ain't going to pay for themselves, so stop playing the Scrooge card and unwind that tight prog belt!

Edited by Any Colour You Like - October 15 2011 at 18:18

Great post, Ben! 

EPIC OP, Ben  This should be made sticky!

toroddfuglesteg wrote: Where does (those of us who are) narcissists fits in ?

Well, that depends on your posting habit; what you post, where you post and how often you do.

I'll think about additions later. After all, I've just made a 1,400 word post in the JFF.

The Shredder FTW!

Klogg wrote: The Shredder FTW!

A Person wrote: What am I?

CinemaZebra wrote: Where's the ones who have lost their mind? Shredders is close but not all of them are insane.

CinemaZebra wrote: The Sleepwalker wrote: CinemaZebra wrote: Where's the ones who have lost their mind? Shredders is close but not all of them are insane. Some pretend to be sane, but after all that's not very hard on a forum. In the end all Shredders are insane.  Interesting theory, I might have to agree. However, what about the non-shredders who are insane?