Zeuhl 5

Let's get the snooker questions out of the way early doors. Who's going to win the World Championship this weekend?
I honestly don't know, Small Talk. There's four left and I think it's either Stephen Hendry, Ronnie O'Sullivan or Matthew Stevens.

Ah, you've really stuck your neck out for us, there, Steve.
I know, but I really do not know who's going to win it. I really have not got a clue. It's nothing personal with Graham Dott, but he's the only one I can't see winning it.

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It's just harmless fun, no?
Well it's not for me to say one way or the other, Small Talk, I think it's something the World Snooker Association needs to decide.

Right, on to the big issues. What's your favourite biscuit?
[The line goes silent for several seconds, though a faint tapping sound can be heard]

You're struggling on the biscuit question...
I am, yeah... I'm going to have to come back to you on this one. It's just too early, I've just had breakfast and it's the last thing I fancy at the moment...

OK, we can come back to i...
I used to like Garibaldis, but I've not had one for years. Actually, I'd have one of those now if you've got any.

Alas not, Steve. Sorry.
I think biscuits have gone down hill generally though. They've got far more poisons in them than they used to have.

Like what, arsenic?
No, no, but the stuff they put in them can't be good for you. I think a lot of them have far too long a shelf life for my liking. I like a fresh biscuit with all natural ingredients in but I'm not sure you get them any more. If you can, I'm not sure where you'd get them from... [tails off, sounding genuinely troubled].

Who or what would you put into Room 101?
Erm, [tap, tap] polystyrene cups for drinking tea out of.

Any reason?
Well I'm sure you end up drinking a certain amount of polystyrene every time you have a cup, and that can't be good for you either, can it?

Probably not. You're sounding slightly paranoid, Steve.
Yeah, probably to some degree. But it's a worry what we're fed, isn't it? That's why I make sure I have me bacon and eggs every day [laughs].

Do you wear slippers?
Eh? Oh no. I've got a pair but they're lost in the house somewhere. They're actually a very nice pair - plain black leather. You'd probably describe them as the Rolls Royce of slippers, Small Talk.

So why don't you wear them?
Because they're more suited to a class of people that I've never associated with. They should really be worn with a really good dressing gown and a cravat, and I have neither gown nor cravat. I can't do them justice, so I don't even try.

What was the last record or CD you bought?
Ooh, I bought a soul 45 off the internet, I can't remember what that was called and it hasn't turned up yet. And I re-bought a load of Caravan albums on CD. They're as good as ever, and they were worth buying just for For Girls Who Grow Plump In The Night.

You're not wrong.
You've never heard it, have you?

Erm, no.
Well you ought to. Go and buy it, it's a f-ing brilliant record. An absolute monster.

Kylie or Britney?
Erm, erm, [tap, tap] I'll say Kylie, but I haven't got a clue why. [Tappity tap] She did a very good version of Eartha Kitt's Santa Baby. But the other one [Britney]... I'm not too sure. [Sounds stumped] I honestly don't know much about them, Small Talk [laughs].

What's your favourite TV show?
Er, Poker Million. Friday nights, runs until July.

Shameless, Steve. What's your favourite TV show that you're not in?
Oh, you should have said. Erm... [sounds troubled]... [umms and ahhs for an age]... well I've got all the DVDs of Coupling. Will they do?

If you like watching a poor man's Friends...
No, I think it's the other way round. Even though the Americans make some very funny comedies, I still think when you get a brilliant British one, it's appeals far more to our sense of humour.

How much does a pint of milk cost? [Answer: 40-odd-p]
Oh God, I haven't got a clue. Erm, 59p?

59p? They're squeezing you dry, Steve...
Well I get it from Marks & Spencer. They must use better cows, or something...

If a lion fought a tiger behind the bike sheds, who would win?
Er... the lion? I haven't got a clue [again sounds puzzled]. He's king of the jungle, isn't he?

Indeed he is, so that'll do. Cheese or chocolate?
Ooh that's another tough one, isn't it. [More tapping]. I like them both but I'd have to go with a very strong cheddar or some quality brie. But if you're talking chocolate, it's have to be the [tap, tap]... the erm [tap, tap]... the 85% Lindt. Two squares of that and you need at least three pints of water.

Not tap water though, that could kill you.
Good point.

Thanks. What colour underpants are you wearing today?
I have a stripey pair of sort of greyey-blue boxer shorts on. They're not designer pants, no. They're just from a pack of three.

Own any lucky pants?
No, but I've got a lucky pair of shoes. I've worn them for the last 10 years but as I haven't f**king won a match for ages I'm not sure I'll continue wearing them. They don't wear out 'cos I only play in them, but one's got a big dent in the front from when I must have kicked a door or something.

What's your poiso... drink?
I like a nice Shiraz.

Ever drunk so much you've forgotten your name?
Erm, I drunk a lower grade of it on the night I got beat at this year's World Championship and although I didn't quite forget my name, I did end up shouting out of our hotel room for Ralph and Huey.

What, you were sick out the window? Rock and roll!
No, not actually out of the window, I was down on my hands and knees on the floor. Woke up the next morning with a big headache, but no rubbish wine in my system.

Phew, etc. What was the last book you read?
The Many-coloured Land by Julian May, a science fiction book. I've read it two or three times and keep going back because it's quite fascinating and I keep meaning to familiarise myself before reading the next one. There are three more in the series, and I'll tell you what, Small Talk, it knocks seven bells out of Lord Of The Rings.

Speaking of which, have you ever knocked another man out?
Yes, in the first round at the Crucible.

Yes, very good. But what about with your fists or a stick?
Oh no. I don't really have any muscles in my body capable of doing anything like that and I've certainly never used an implement.

Ever kicked another man in the groin?
No, I've avoided physical contact throughout the whole of my life.

What's your favourite pie filling?
Pie filling? [Small Talk nods, Steve appears to ignore the question in favour of more tapping before finally]... steak and kidney, I think.

You think? Surely the King Of Pies!
Yeah, but it's got to be home-made, Small Talk.

Need I ask why?
Because I think if it's home-made you can have every confidence that there's nothing dodgy in it.

...
You can never be sure, Small Talk. At least with my wife's pie I know what's gone in it.

Erm, tea or coffee?
Tea [tap, tap]. I usually go for Marks & Spencer's tea in the gold packet. I can't be any more specific than that, I'm afraid. [Tap] It's normal tea, though, none of that poncey rubbish.

Milk and sugar?
Just milk. Full fat, none of the poisons of skimmed that nobody knows about yet.

Eh?
It's true. The process they use to skim it produces very small fat globules, which are more dangerous than proper fat. Skimmed milk is no good for you. It's far worse than full fat, which admittedly isn't good for you either, but it's less harmful.

Are you sure?
Absolutely. Give it five years and they'll probably be writing pieces in the Daily Mail health bit about it.

You've got Small Talk worried now...
Do you dunk your biscuits in your tea?

Whenever possible.
Then you're history, Small Talk. You won't make the 2009 World Championship at this rate, so you won't be around to do this same interview with Ronnie.

But what a way to go: poisoned by skimmed milk.
Well yeah, it's not a bad way to go.

Erm, where are you off to?
Back to the internet to play some more online poker.

Ah, that explains the tapping and loss of concentration then...
Oh sorry, Small Talk. I'm multi-tasking, clicking and talking. I'm very advanced. Hang on, I must have won money without realising. It says here I'm 50 cents up!